By Emily Gianetti
Parenting Special Needs Magazine
The holidays can be joyful—but for families raising a child with special needs, they can also bring unique challenges. This heartfelt guide, written by an older sister, offers insight and understanding from a sibling’s point of view.
The holidays can be a time of joy for many families: visits from Santa, exchanging gifts, and spending time with loved ones. However, it can also be a stressful time, particularly families that have a child with a disability. There are overwhelming holiday parties, stores that can trigger sensory issues, and family and friends who might ask (not-so-)friendly questions about a child’s condition.
These scenarios can increase stress and worry around the holidays for all members of the family, including siblings of children with special needs. As a sibling myself, I know this firsthand, and I want to help make things a little bit easier. Let’s talk about a few common scenarios and some strategies to help take all family members’ needs into account.
The Holiday Party
It could be a work party, a neighborhood get-together, or a family Christmas Eve dinner. No matter the situation, we know our parents are focused on making sure everything runs smoothly. Sometimes, everything is fine. Other times, we might not even make it to dessert. Our sibling might be tired from a busy day, overwhelmed by the noise, or triggered by scratchy, uncomfortable clothes.
We know the signs of a meltdown coming, and we know from experience that people are quick to stare. We see our parents getting anxious and packing up as quickly as possible. We know that we have to quickly say goodbye to our friends and leave another event early. It’s hard for us not to feel frustrated, even though we know it isn’t our sibling’s fault.
The Visit from Friends
We all want our friends to come over around the holidays. It’s the time for baking, crafts, and watching Christmas movies. Sometimes, we have friends who accept our siblings without question. I had some amazing friends who loved my sister and included her in all of our activities without question. I am still friends with those people to this day! I also had friends from school who would come over to watch Christmas movies and would meet my family for the first time. We’d be happily eating cookies and watching Elf when the dreaded question would come: “So, what’s wrong with your sister?” My face would flush, and I would think to myself, Well, there’s nothing wrong with her…Children often ask questions out of curiosity, but as a child myself, it was difficult to know exactly how to answer.
The Crowded Store
The holiday season means one thing at stores: people everywhere. Add in loud music, flashing lights, and colorful decorations, and it’s a sensory overload for even the hardiest of shoppers. For kids with sensory issues or behavioral difficulties, it can be even more overwhelming. We know when our siblings are starting to feel overwhelmed. Much like the holiday party, we are able to see the signs clearly: irritability, crying, or acting out. We wish that people in stores wouldn’t stare and that they would be more patient with our family. We rush to checkout or rush out of the store entirely, and that’s it for holiday shopping for the day
The most important thing we could ask for is to be considered a friend and not a parent to our sibling with a disability. We want to have a lifelong friendship, and being given the chance to build that supportive friendship is a gift in and of itself.
6 Practical Tips (A Sibling’s Wishlist)
1. Say “yes” strategically.
It’s easy to feel like you have to say yes to every party or event of the holiday season. Often, this leads to more stress for parents, siblings, and the child with a disability. Strangers and family members may not understand our siblings’ conditions, and reactions to a meltdown or a behavior can be unkind. Saying “no” can be a positive thing if the event is not a good fit for your family. If it is a party that a sibling really wants to go to, consider dropping us off (if safe to do so), or sending us to the party with another trusted adult. Consider smaller get-togethers with close friends during the holiday season, or even a party with other families within your disability community. We know when we are among people who accept our special needs siblings for who they are, and it is much easier for the whole family to have a fun time when that acceptance is guaranteed.
2. Plan for holiday quality time with your neurotypical child.
Whether it is Christmas shopping alone, making cookies, or doing a holiday craft, this quality time is important to us. It can give us a chance to pick out gifts without worry or a chance to talk with you about life while the cookies are baking. We want to spend time with you and feel valued for who we are. It doesn’t have to be anything big; the small moments are often the ones that mean the most to us.
3. Set clear expectations about roles.
We often feel we have to step into the role of a parent when our sibling needs help. Before a big event or shopping trip, have a talk with your neurotypical child about how they should handle challenges that come up. Encourage them to seek an adult’s help for behavioral issues or sibling needs rather than trying to handle it themselves. The most important thing we could ask for is to be considered a friend and not a parent to our sibling with a disability. We want to have a lifelong friendship, and being given the chance to build that supportive friendship is a gift in and of itself.
4. Encourage compassion and flexibility.
Even with the best of planning, a party or a shopping trip might not go as planned. Something as simple as communicating that we may have to leave early can really help us be flexible in our thinking. Let us know that our sibling is trying their best, but the shopping trip or party may be overwhelming for them. If we can plan for the situation, it becomes easier to accept. If possible, offer an alternative if we have to leave early. Maybe our quality time could be coming back to the store to shop together later on!
5. Talk about how to answer tough questions.
Whether we like it or not, these questions come up, and we often aren’t sure how to answer them. We love our siblings very much, and it can be shocking to us when our peers don’t always accept them without question. Before we have a new friend over, have a brief conversation with us and let us know what we should say about our siblings’ disabilities if we are asked. Every family has to decide what information they are comfortable sharing, and it is very helpful to us to have an adult’s perspective.
6. Check in regularly.
Siblings of children with disabilities are used to being flexible, but we have our own feelings about our families being “different” or having to do things differently than our friends’ families. Sometimes, we need someone who can help us process our emotions after a big party or a difficult shopping trip. Set aside time, even if it is just a few minutes over a cup of hot cocoa, to check in and see how we are feeling. Our thoughts and feelings might be more complex than you think, and we may even provide you with a new perspective.
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